Goldilocks: The Real Story

Ursus arctos middendorffi /kodiak bear/ Kodiakbär

I like my honey shaken not stirred. Pisses the bees off more.

“Hey, Roy,” Papa bear shouted as he stepped into the Overturned Can Tavern.  Roy Racoon looked up from the tumblers he washed and nodded toward his omnivorous cousin.

“How’s it hanging, pa-bear?”

“Oh, can’t complain,” the old bear stated, sidling-up on a bar stool.

“I haven’t seen you around for a while; everything okay at home?”

“Sure,” he dug into his pants pocket (A bear with pants?  Well hell, they are talking in this story aren’t they?  Why not?! ) and produced his wallet.  “Here, see for yourself.”  He whipped open the leather-bound wallet and let a strip of photos spill out.

Roy leaned over and stared.  “Oh yeah, I see Honey and Baby are looking fine.  But who’s that one-armed yellow-haired human doing in there?”

“Oh her?  She’s our housekeeper, Goldilocks.”

“Really?  I’d heard she was caught breaking and entering a while back.”

“Yup, that was her.  It was our house she broke into.  Made quite a mess.  Ate our food, broke our chairs,  and dirtied our beds.”

“Why isn’t she in jail?”

“Well, I offered to not press charges if she stayed on as a housekeeper.”

“That was nice of you.  I’d have slapped her hairless behind in jail,” Roy mused.

“It worked out all right, she’s a good housekeeper.  In fact, she has saved our lives a few times.”

“Really?  Is that how she lost her arm?”

“That’s kind of a long story.  You see some months ago, wolves broke into the house while she was babysitting Baby bear.  Goldi grabbed a kitchen knife and held them off until Honey and I got home.”

“Oh, so that is how she lost her arm.  A wolf bit it off.”

“Ummmm, not really.  Some time later, while we were sleeping, the house caught on fire, and though she was nearly engulfed in flames, she woke us up and guided us out of the house, while flaming roof rafters fell upon us.”

“Okay, I see, a rafter fell on her, didn’t it?  That’s how she lost her arm.”

“Nope.  Then just last week when that hurricane blew through, Goldi ran outside, grabbed a shovel and while the high winds pushed trees over and lighting struck next to her, she dug a trench all around our house to divert the storm surge. “

“I get it, she got injured and lost her arm.”

“Well no…”

Roy slammed down the tumbler in his hand.  “Now just a minute!  How did Goldilocks lose her arm?”

Papa bear flashed him a sheepish grin.  “Well shoot, a girl that brave, you don’t eat her all at once.”

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